Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
