the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
