Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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