Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
