Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
