Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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