he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
