you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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