I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Couch. On fire.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
