And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
