It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
