the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
