I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
