Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Randomize
