There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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