he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
