dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
