my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
