Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
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