3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
we have pet lesbian snakes
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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