Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
We named our party play list daddy issues
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
i believe in u and ur pee
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize