why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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