I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
