You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
