I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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