i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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