Im at strip club and am horny
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
this is an emotional support booty call
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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