my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
