You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Someone came in the potted fern
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
