i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
