My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
lol hangovers are for mortals.
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