Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
