i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
it's great music for shaving your balls
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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