Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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