I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
