Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize