can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
