Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Randomize
