Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
