Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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