I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize