I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
