Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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