I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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