i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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