On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
