he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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