well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
is that a dick in a sweater?
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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