i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
