Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Sex in the backyard? Check.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
