just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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