got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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