Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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