so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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