I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Randomize
