There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
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