i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
