So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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